We’ve all been there right? Smack in the middle of a hard situation and in swans (usually well meaning) advice givers. It usually starts with “Well at least…” or “You should try…” And it’s just the worst. But a lot of us are guilty of this, myself included. I told you in my last post I’m a fixer. So my natural response to crisis is to fix. And through my own hard situations, God has shown me instead the beauty of just sitting, being, mourning, and listening.

It can be difficult but such a gift to those who are hurting. I have been blessed by so many friends who have simply waited, hoped, and grieved with me.

I mentioned in my first post, talking about infertility is hard. It’s awkward. It’s messy. I mean it just is. You’re talking about the birds and bees, you’re talking about (to quote Chandler from Friends) “…malfunctioning hoo-has and wee-wees.” So it’s weird, I get it, I really do. And what do we all do when we’re feeling awkward? We say strange things, from a good place of course, but sometimes it doesn’t come across that way.

Based on my experience, I thought I would share some tips on how to encourage those struggling with starting a family, and include a list of some things maybe not to say.

1. “Just relax, it will happen naturally. I knew someone who went through treatments and they didn’t work, then they stopped worrying about it and got pregnant!” I get that this happens, and I get why you’re telling me, to give me hope. And certainly in many instances this can and does happen.Of course stress can affect your body’s ability to conceive. But many fertility issues including diminished ovarian reserve, (like I have, hurrah) are as real as any other medical issue. Would you tell someone struggling with diabetes or cancer to just relax? No. you wouldn’t. So don’t say it now.
2. “You should adopt/foster! I have friends who couldn’t get pregnant, they adopted and then they got pregnant!” This irks me for two reasons. First, I believe adoption/fostering is a specific calling and I have mad respect for the mammas I know who have adopted. God calls you to adopt, it shouldn’t be a plan B. And secondly, this story implies that the adopted child is just a stepping stone to getting what you really want, a biological child. So please don’t say this. (exception: it’s totally fine to ask if I have considered it, just don’t push it like of course it’s the next logical step.)
3. “At least you have so many other good things in your life.” I get this. It’s not like I’m unaware of the blessings of my incredible husband, the beautiful place we get to live, and my awesome church and community of friends. Here’s the thing though, those good things can never take the place of that aching ever-present void in your life. You can fully appreciate all those blessings, and you can and should definitely push in deeper to the painful lessons God is teaching you through that lack, but it’s not a balancing scale. So just don’t say it, please and thank you. For more on why you should never address someone who’s hurting with a sentence beginning with “At least…” Click here for a great video from Brene Brown.

If like me, you have said any or all of these things above don’t worry, It comes from a good and sincere place, I get it. My only desire is sharing my perspective in the hope that maybe it’s helpful for you in the future. (and, spoiler, my advice below on what to do/say applies to way more than just fertility)

So what is helpful and appreciated? I’m so thankful for the people in my life who just say:

“I can’t imagine what this is like for you, but I’m here for you and praying for you.”

Or, “Let’s drink wine.”

That’s it. That’s all.