Thank you all for journeying with me through a week in the life of an IVF cycle. I am so encouraged by all your messages of support, your gifts, your texts, your love. It has sustained me through dark days.

I also want to specifically thank my rockstar of a husband Tim. IVF & IUI husbands, you do not have an easy job. You are being strong for us even while this is a emotional and stressful time for you too. Thank you Tim for caring for me so well through this process, for making sure we could manage financially, to driving me to appointments, to mastering all my medicine mixing and giving me my shots. I love you and am so thankful for you.

I was speaking with my mom about why on earth I would blog about something so personal. Its a valid question, so I wanted to take you back to my first blog post and share my heart about why I’m putting all of this out here for the world to see. I encourage you to read my first blog post here if you haven’t already. In it I shared that I want to:

…share the messiness, the unfinished, and the waiting. I’ll do this because I myself have benefitted immensely from incredibly brave friends God has brought into my own life in his perfect timing, who have shared their own waiting, their own pain, not keeping silent till the shiny happy ending, but honestly and vulnerably exposing the entire process, even when it doesn’t end with getting what we want.

I told my mom yesterday about my finger hovered over the “publish” button for a good 5 minutes before I had the strength to push it on my first blog post. My flesh wanted to keep this secret from the world, but God could not have been more clear, I needed to share this, and I needed to do it right now.

So please know I’m sharing this not to gain your sympathy, to make you uncomfortable, or for any other reason save that God has asked me to. I don’t like it. I mean who in their right mind would? But I’ve committed to God that as long as he’s content for me to be in this season of dealing with infertility, I will be faithful to share my heart and story with whoever cares to read it.

So what’s the update on where we are? After my last post, Life was a whirlwind, We drove to Colorado Springs, and stayed in our favorite hotel downtown thanks to special friends, ate in our favorite little restaurant the Rabbit Hole, and prepared for our egg retrieval.

For me this meant no food after midnight, making sure my pain prescription (oxycodone) was filled, and not wearing any makeup, lotion, hair products, or anything else with scent. I drank 12 oz of water 4 hours before procedure, and took 1000 mg of tylenol 2 hours before.

So hair in messy bun,  sweats, and slipper socks on, we drive over to the dr’s office and check in. It takes about an hour to get ready for egg retrieval, and the procedure only takes about 15 minutes. You are sedated, mercifully, because it involves a pretty big needle.

You go over your medical history with the anesthesiologist, you go through the procedure with your doctor, you talk to the embryologist, and your nurse gets you started on an IV with antibiotics. After all that, wearing your sexy hospital gown and hair net, you walk over to the procedure room. Things get a little hazy for me at this point once im strapped in with the medicine flowing. The next thing I remember is my nurse talking to me after they’ve finished and helping me into my wheelchair as we head back to the recovery room.

I told Tim before the procedure I was preparing myself for anything, I was hoping for more eggs, but prepared to get a low number again, or even none. Back in the recovery room Tim told me that they got one egg.

one.

So not zero, but not exactly the better response we were hoping for in this second cycle. And so, dissapointed but relieved that it’s over, I get in the car, recline the seat all the way back and settle into our podcast for the drive home to Longmont.

In the bed-rest days that followed, we found out that the egg was immature, but had matured overnight. However, the egg had not fertilized, and so that’s it.

It’s strange to put so much time, money, effort and emotions into a process and then in one second it’s over. On one hand it can and does feel like crushing defeat, but thankfully, there’s also a relief to be found there, permission to breathe, and return to normal life for awhile.

Going back to the egg, and the fact that it didn’t make it. I’ve been thinking about how going through IVF shows you that despite all our medical advancements and achievements, God still has to be actively involved in the process. Yes the doctors can introduce sperm to egg, but they can’t make it fertilize, only God can. God alone creates life, in His own perfect timing.

So what does that mean for me now? Well our doctor said he had some thoughts and ideas moving forward, but I’m honestly not even ready to think about that conversation. I’ve been encouraged by stories of other women with DOR getting pregnant naturally after failed IVF cycles, but im also careful to avoid overlaying their stories on top of mine.

We’re grieving the outcome of this cycle, but I’m also looking forward knowing that donor eggs are always an option for us in the coming years, in the meantime, there are still many things I can do to increase my odds of it happening naturally. I’m reading blogs and I’ve ordered the following books that I can’t wait to devour:

The Infertility Cure by Randine Lewis

Inconceivable by Julia Indichova

One thing that excites me about the option of pursuing natural conception this year, is that the process of readying your heart and body leaves you in a better place, through doing yoga, cutting back on commitments, improving your diet, walking every day, doing acupuncture, focusing on positivity and affirming that your body can create and sustain life, ultimately is good for you and your life regardless of outcome.

And while I am glad we pursued IVF, even without the result we hoped for, I find at the end of this 4 month journey that I am not improved physically or emotionally.  I am overweight, hormonal, depressed, broke, and jaded.

Now this isn’t to discourage you, I know IVF can and does work for many people, and that the effects of IVF are so worth it once you’re holding your precious babe in your arms, this is just to say to those of you considering it, make sure you’re okay coming out the other side without a baby, and know that it can be really hard on your body. (and your wallet!)

So for now I’ll go back to my normal monthly posts and I’m excited to share more about what I’ll do to pursue natural conception this year, from the yummy (!) chinese herbs, to special diets, yoga, and completely detoxing my house and skin care routine!! It’s sure to be an adventure.

Thank you friends for your faithfulness in the waiting with me.