Christmas. A tender Tennessee Christmas with family. Full of fantastic feasts and treats, laughing till you cry, southern comfort food, quiet moments of glorious togetherness, beautiful smokey mountain sunrises, and just being filled to the brim with food and love.

This was the Christmas we planned. This was not the Christmas we got. My Christmas was missing our flight out of Denver on Christmas Day because I got violently ill, and couldn’t keep any food down. My sweet husband then gave up his Christmas and Boxing Day to bring me jello, ginger ale, cold cloths, and buckets on the hour every hour.

As I think about it now, it was actually a fitting end to 2016 for me. I realized this autumn it had been a year since I had blogged or journaled. A year of silence. I can’t tell you the last time I went without pen or keyboard for so long. Writing is my therapy, how I think, feel, and move forward.

So why the silence? I couldn’t have expressed it well myself until recently, but it’s all about not wanting to openly share the messiness of unanswered prayer, of the process, of the waiting.

We all love the happy endings where earlier troubles and unanswered prayers were confessed right?  I actually got turned down for several positions over the past 2 years, it was a really dark time, but I got my dream job and life is great now! Yes I struggled with depression for over five years, but God brought me out of it and I’m fantastically happy now. Yes I really wanted to be a wife for many years, it was such a hard season, but I’m happily married now!

You get it, right? We love hearing about struggles as long as they are in the past. It’s hard for us to deal with the current, in the middle of the suffering, the pain, the waiting.

One of the more foolish* things I did last New Years was to declare 2016 a year of Joy. Buckle your seat belt if you ever attempt this friends. 2016 was perhaps the hardest year to date on me and on my marriage. You’ve heard the age-old saying, if you ask for patience, you won’t receive more patience, you’ll receive an abundance of things to test your patience.

Well it rings true with Joy also. But let’s back up.

Here’s what I desperately wanted to share this year: “We couldn’t get pregnant for several years and were told by doctors it would be very difficult. BUT now we’re 3 months pregnant and so thankful!”

But it didn’t happen.

Yes, we’ve been trying for several years now, and seeing a fantastic specialist for the past year. But countless bloodworks, supplements, ultrasounds, HSGs, special diets, two IUIs, lots of medications, acupuncture, and countless tears later, the tests are still negative.

I have wanted nothing more than to come out of 2016 proclaiming God’s goodness and faithfulness in giving us a child, and to declare, that what man said was impossible, is possible with God.

I’d been holding onto my silence for that reason. But here it is in the dying days of 2016 and God’s painful and oh so persistent lesson has finally been driven home.

I wanted this to be a year of Joy. So, God in his wisdom has broken me down, and stripped me of seeking Joy in the wrong places.

1. In my career, I moved to working for my church, which I adore, but with the move I took a humbling step down the corporate ladder from director level to specialist.
2. In hobbies, in singing, I left my choral group to sing on my worship team, but haven’t been taking lessons or singing publicly as much, and find myself missing it a lot. In riding, hiking, and writing, I have done almost none at all, which is really sad and strange for me.
3. In material possessions, we had to leave our lovely mountain rental this year. We tried to buy a house in the spring. We lost one we absolutely loved to many higher bids. We also couldn’t purchase a townhome we didn’t love, but at least would get us on the ladder, because they wouldn’t accept our loan type. So we kept renting, but now we are downtown in the city of Longmont, not the peaceful mountains I crave.
4. In my marriage, God revealed some painful truths. I learned some things I don’t like about myself, and felt the sting of not being as good a wife as I should be.
5. With our families, it’s been kind of a lonely year. (which is my fault) We’ve realized that dealing with infertility is awkward for families, you both don’t know what to say, how much to share, or how to relate. Ultimately communications and visits lessen, and you want to wait until there’s good news to share, so you stop “burdening” them with disappointments.
6. And there it is, the central thing: our inability to get pregnant. It spills over into career, hobbies, family, and especially marriage. This monthly failing has pushed me painfully closer and closer to the truth I desperately needed to learn:

Joy comes ONLY from the Lord. Not from children, not from careers, not from family, or marriage. Only from God. Of course he can give you these things, but the joy comes from Him, not them. And here’s the important thing, even if he doesn’t give you these things, he is still good, he can and will still bring you Joy.

I’ve learned some things about Joy this year through my disappointments and through reading the Psalms of David:

1. Joy is not dependant on circumstance  Psalm 27:5-7
2. Joy comes from being in God’s presence  Psalm 21:5-7
3. Joy comes from praising God for his faithfulness and past goodness Psalm 92:4-5

So was 2016 a year of Joy? When I declared it last year, I saw my Joy coming from a pregnancy, from buying a home, and advancing in my career.

Instead God has challenged me to release these things, and instead to simply draw closer to him. So in that sense, despite the pain, the loss, the humbling, and pruning back, 2016 has been a year of joy. How amazing that God loves us enough to prune us back so that we can find true peace, love, and Joy in Him.

So what will I declare over 2017? After the pruning comes new life. So that’s what I will declare, new life, new growth, restoration, in whatever form it takes.

And for those worried about our “ruined” Christmas. Don’t worry, we got on another flight out of Denver tomorrow. Hopefully my mom will have saved me some gingerbread and orange rolls, my sister in law Sarah some of her creamed corn casserole. I’ll look forward to curling up on my mom’s couch for a day or two, sipping tea and watching bad scifi and hallmark movies. I can’t wait to meet my adorable nephew Luke for the first time, and of course spoil all my precious nieces and nephews silly, and spend some quality time with my darling quarter horse mare Ama, giving her all the carrots and hot mash her heart desires.

To my friends and family who have been praying for us and walking with us through this painful year, thank you. I appreciate your prayers more than you know, and I apologize for retreating into silence more than I should.

From now on, I’d like to share the messiness, the unfinished, and the waiting. I’ll do this because I myself have benefitted immensely from incredibly brave friends God has brought into my own life in his perfect timing, who have shared their own waiting, their own pain, not keeping silent till the shiny happy ending, but honestly and vulnerably exposing the entire process, even when it doesn’t end with getting what we want.

Thank you all for your love and support and I can’t wait to see what God does in 2017.

Until then, you’ll find me in the waiting.