I like to fix things. The second something goes sideways I like nothing more than to pull out my phone/map/barometer/laptop/geiger counter and go to work. (im clearly just kidding on a couple of those, if you ever find yourself needing a geiger counter you have serious problems my friend, get to a doctor asap). 

But yes, I am a fixer. Is anyone else afflicted with this? While there are clearly many advantages to being a fixer, I am recognizing recently some of the problems that tag along with needing to fix everything.

Today I learned my last IUI did not work, I am not pregnant. Again.

While every month that passes without getting pregnant stings, the extra salt in the wound this month is all the time, effort and $$$$ that went into the IUI process. The shots, medications, the ultrasounds, bloodwork, not to mention the acupuncture I recently added to my routine, giving me a little extra hope that this month’s result would be different.

And what was my response? While I allowed myself to be sad/angry/hurt for about 10 minutes, my next thought was making an appointment to move forward with IVF. And I had to stop myself. Because I’m missing it. I’m missing the lessons he wants to teach me through the waiting and through the sadness.

I need to mourn. I need to accept the loss. I need embrace that my plans, my timing, are not God’s. Only after doing these things can I move forward into the paths he has for me.

My wonderful husband preached a powerhouse of a sermon on Sunday at our church on the life of Joseph, and how we should conduct ourselves in the midst of trials and struggles. God knew we would need that lesson this week, he is so good.

Joseph didn’t try to fix things, even when his life was turned upside down and he had no idea what God was doing or why. He served well, he waited patiently, and then, finally, he moved forward through the doors God opened for him.

I don’t know what our open doors will be after this. We know that this was the third and last time we could do IUI. So our options going forward medically would have to be IVF. That’s something we have been unsure about in the past, so God would need to make it clear to us if that’s how he wants us to move forward.

But that’s not a discussion for today, today is for mourning, today is for resting in God, and today is for drinking real coffee and eating chocolate*.

(*I’m not allowed any caffeine or chocolate while doing IUI, the struggle is real).

If you are a fixer like me, or maybe instead of fixing you distract, or avoid, let me encourage you to just live in the middle of the hurt, the frustration, and the loss while you are there. Not to dwell in it forever, joy does come in the morning. But how much sweeter is that joy when we embrace the sorrow the night before, and the lessons God is teaching us through it.

Until next month, you’ll find me in the waiting.